thinking of my eternal crush in the parking lot
in the topiary garden of my mind
over and over again
mementos of you:
pathways of privet and boxwood arches
leading to the space left empty
by distance and disconnect;
i had to fill it somehow
so the hungry soil wouldn't keep spilling
this longing i never quite wanted
white azaleas shaped like love letters
the diary entries i sent you
because i wanted you—
only you—
to know the inside of my mind
like your own backyard
wilted roses coloring hearts between the lines
sprinkled throughout like your rarity kisses
staining my lips passion-red
no need for lipstick
just often enough to keep me craving
all the time
blue hydrangeas mourning my mistakes
weather-worn train tickets dangling from their stems
tied not with the red string of fate
but lengths of rough rope
of my own making
forgotten walkways plastered with unsent messages—
i have to put on my heart-shaped glasses
every time i dare to go there
or the cutting-edge cobblestones would slice me up
like the shattered shards of a bar bathroom mirror
that, between graffiti and stickered stalls,
showed me the briefest glimpse
of what should have been
rosemary bushes that don't even need to be shaped
because they'll remind me of your hair care forever anyway
of countless hours spent spilling our hearts
onto loose paper doomed to get lost in clutter
into notebooks stuffed too full with handwriting and hope
into telephone wires sizzling with summer break nostalgia
into clicking keyboards, masquerades on dark screens
ignoring and yet reveling in the truth—
how perfect it felt to be seen
through the rose-colored lens of creativity
by each other, specifically
i think of you every time i walk past that concrete-and-brick parking lot
right next to my house
where the snow drenched my overworn summer shoes
as i ran to you that gloomy february night
and i miss your blooming sunflower smile
every single time
Irina Vérène is a non-binary femme from Germany. Primarily at home within the realm of dark and historically inspired fantasy, fae has enjoyed roleplay and writing from an early age.
Several of faer pieces, both prose and poetry, will appear in Queer Gaze Mag's Queer Monsterx issue, with another set to be featured on their blog.